The Experience is the Brand

50/50 Chance of Salvation

For some unknown reason, amber and I started receiving the Oriental Trading Company catalog about a year ago. Our fates were sealed the moment we gave in to temptation and placed an order. (If you happen to be reading through the archives of our album, you’ll come across these beauties that I made with my own two little hands.) Now a new catalog arrives monthly, with the pace quickening the closer we draw towards Halloween and Christmas.

One of my simple pleasures in life is leafing through the catalog at the breakfast table. It isn’t that I necessarily need or want a set of twelve blue grass dresses for my next tiki party, or a box of twenty four individual wrapped sets of candy vampire teeth. Rather, I get immense (and perhaps, perverse) joy at seeing how the catalog writers manage to string together 3-7 unrelated words into the name of a product, apparently with little concern for forming grammatically correct phrases. Verbs, adjectives, proper nouns: these are mere pick-up sticks, to be scattered randomly in the hopes that they might transmit a semblance of meaning. Witness:

• NEON MACRAME FRIENDSHIP BRACELET CRAFT
• NYLON PATRIOTIC ROCKET WINDSOCK
• JUMBO INFLATE MONKEY

I read these, and in my mind I’m hearing, “Jumbo!…Inflate!…Monkey!” It’s like some demented free-association word exercise. Amber and I sometimes indulge ourselves, and I’m particulary fond of coming up with my own creations:

• GIANT RUBBER STAR TRAVEL CRAFT
• CUTE SQUEEZE KITTEN BALL
• STRETCH SILVER FISH

But sometimes, the items and their descriptions cross over from the ridiculous to something completely bizzare, almost frightening. Flipping towards the back of a recent “clearance blowout” issue (half of the items in there were completely new, negating the very concept of a “clearance” sale), I came across this gem:

HOLIDAY RELIGIOUS JELLY BEAN TREAT BAGS

In case you don’t want to follow the link, what you get is a bag full of red and green jelly beans. Might be good for Christmas, and seemingly innocuous. Until you read the description:

“Each with a special meaning. Red represents our sins. Green represents a chance for a new start. Fat Free. (Approximately 9 pcs. per 1-oz. poly bag with header, 16 bags per unit) Candy is non-returnable.”

Now I’m Jewish, so it’d be no surprise to me to learn that that’s what the red and green in Christmas actually stood for. I find it a little bit strange that a jelly bean would be used represent either sin or redemption (I mean why not Red Hots and mints?), but I’ll even let that one pass. No, what gets me is that, on average, there are nine jelly beans in each bag. Which means that each bag is off-balance, inherently sinful or redemptive. This isn’t really the kind of message I want to be giving when I’m passing out treats at my next office Christmas party.

Nation's 2nd Richest Man Wants to Pay More Taxes

Is there anything more stunning than a member of the super-rich clammoring, nay, begging, not to be given a huge tax break?

Warren Buffet, the largest shareholder of Berkshire Hathaway has been making a lot of noise about the tax bill recently passed in the Senate. His point: it is welfare for the super-rich, whose proportional share of taxes will plummet if the course of events contemplated by this legislation actually take place. While these ultra-wealthy may pay a proportionally large share of the overall tax revenue collected in this country (that is, 5% of people in this country pay something like 50% of the taxes, in hard dollars), they pay a substantially smaller portion of their overall income in taxes.

Buffet explains it better than I do. Read the article and, if you’re so inclined, write a letter.

"Enhanced" Experience

Via metafilter comes a link to Microsoft U.K.’s upcoming endeavor to enhance the public’s poo-ing experience. Unless this is a total hoax, they’re actually planning on setting up several of these iLoo’s.

Speechless. Utterly, utterly speechless.

OK, I’ll bite: Why is this a good thing? Think about it… we’re talking about a public, portable restroom (Johnny Boy, w.c., Porta-John, whatever) that’s Wi-Fi/internet enabled. If you’ve ever been in a porta-potty, I ask you: when was the last time you thought to yourself, “I wish there was more to do in here, so I wouldn’t be so bored.”

Really, I mean, are the folks at MS UK unaware of what these things normally smell like after a long, hot day in the sun? Have they never stood in line in said burning-hot sun waiting for one of these to become available, and are thus laboring under the impression that it’s a good idea to facilitate a longer period of use per user?

And while we’re at it, how enticing an idea is it to have someone else tap-tap-tapping on a “waterproof keyboard” attached to the outside of this thing while you’re inside trying to, um… “download a file”?

UPDATE (5/12/03): Apparently, it was all a hoax. Oh well.

UPDATE (5/14/03): Oh, wait, it’s not a hoax. Frankly, it doesn’t matter either way. It’s still an idiotic idea.

Yeah, right

“But after all the careful planning, the masterminds were undone, the authorities claim, when they threw bags with compromising material into a ditch alongside the highway.”

- THEFT OF THE CENTURY, The Straits Times

Why, pray-tell, would a thief meticulous enough to spend two years planning a jewel heist leave “compromising materials” in a bag by the side of the road? I can think of only two reasons: 1) to taunt the police or 2) to frame someone else.

Where was I when this

Where was I when this happened? And why didn’t someone stop it?

More to the point, who’s the guy on the left?

A rather amusing email exchange

A rather amusing email exchange (not mine, unfortunately)

From: xxxxxx@xxxx.com
To: yyyyyyy@yyyy.com
Subject: Refusal to offer employment

People like this, with voices like these, should be cherished. And hired.

Chris Locke and others

Chris Locke and others often talk about companies learning to speak with voice. This Message from Warren Buffett reminds us that, even in some of the largest corporations that would seem to be devoid of human presence, there are voices that can be heard. I think that letters like these, simple as they are to distinguish from the usual marketing tripe out there, are instructive.

Why is it

Why is it that those institutions that might once have played an extraordinary role in keeping the conversation going are now actively trying to curtail it? Is it any surprise that these two colleges, factories that producing corporate knowledge workers, have missed the concept that students are customers, not commodities to be packaged and redistributed?

K5 features a discussion

K5 features a discussion of a Wired article that details a new bill to be offered up in Congress this fall. There are a multitude of reasons why this seemingly smart idea to defend the rights of artists is actually a blad faced invasion of privacy rights and a further devolution of fair use. In essense, the new law would make it:

…a civil offense to create or sell any kind of computer equipment that “does not include and utilize certified security technologies” approved by the federal government.

If you’re interested in doing something about this, you can start by visiting EPIC.org.

My local Starbucks

My local Starbucks (cookies required, sorry) is running a 30th anniversary promo where, for $30, you get a coffee tumbler and free refills though October 31st. I like this for 2 reasons: I did the math, and I figure since I stop there every morning for coffee anyway, I’m lucking out. Second, I own their stock, so the more of you out there that become fellow caffeine addicts, the better off I am, financially. So come on people, it’s time to put in the effort and help grow my savings!